As soon as I began to sense from the Lord, that steadfast would be my word for 2018, the inner struggle began.
“What if I crumbled?” I thought as I sat on the couch with my girls ready to watch a Christmas movie.
to crumble: “To break into small pieces; to divide into minute parts.” (Webster’s Dictionary of 1828)
I could just lay my head down and not get up again.
No more doing.
No more holding it together.
No more trying to find answers for “How are you dong?”
What if I just crumbled right here into this couch and let others pick up all the pieces.
These thoughts truly scared me.
I am not a crumble type of girl. (Although as a fresh out of amazing girl, maybe I am.)
But as I was faced this week with questions and doubts I surely felt like crumble might be an option too.
What if my word wasn’t steadfast? What if it was crumble?
“Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain.” 1 Corinthians 15:58
stedfast, steadfast: “Constant; firm; resolute; not fickle or wavering.” (Webster’s Dictionary of 1828)
The past nine months have been hard. I mean really hard. On one hand I feel guilty even saying it. Over and over in this season of gratitude and Advent we’ve had tears in our eyes. We see what God has done in our lives and we are in awe of it. We have been saved from much. But, we have lost much. And if I’m being honest, there is a part of my soul that is mourning that too.
Recently, I’ve watched a dear friend experience the deepest sorrow and loss. As I sat pouring words of encouragement over her aching soul, my own ache floated to the surface as well. Do I really believe God is near? Still? Has he turned our ashes into beauty? Has he triumphed over our situation yet? Have a let him? I found myself standing in that ICU room again, not physically, but emotionally. Thousands prayed. God said yes. We still don’t know why. One of my friends said, “I don’t understand how things turned out differently for you?” All I could say is, “I don’t have an explanation.” Because I don’t.
What if I’m steadfast? What if I crumble?
So here I am, with only a few days until Christmas and the close of 2017, feeling myself crumbling and reaching for steadfast simultaneously. I know full well that the pathway there is shadowed in the cross. I die to self. I live for him.
“I tell you this, brothers: flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God, nor does the perishable inherit the imperishable. Behold! I tell you a mystery. We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed, in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised imperishable, and we shall be changed. For this perishable body must put on the imperishable, and this mortal body must put on immortality. When the perishable puts on the imperishable, and the mortal puts on immortality, then shall come to pass the saying that is written:
“Death is swallowed up in victory.”
“O death, where is your victory?
O death, where is your sting?”
The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.” 1 Corinthians 15:50-57
He is steadfast. He is able. He is immovable. He is strong.
And I am surrendered.
Crumbling yet yielding.
He says come.
P.S. This week I am visiting with a 9th grade girls’ Bible study who has been going through the book of Hebrews. I am also speaking to a group of moms on Thursday on “10 Things I’ve Learned About Hope.” The timing of this struggle is not lost on me. Please don’t think for one minute I have it all figured out. I wholeheartedly believe in hope and cling to God’s Word. I wrote this a couple of weeks ago and almost didn’t post it. But, I also have learned that there is no use in hiding behind the veil of fine when God is tending my heart. And he most definitely is.