Friends lets be honest for a minute.
It looks like to me the world is getting uglier everyday. I can’t wrap my mind around the crazy and the reality of what tomorrow holds. People are angry. Some are broken. And I’m pretty sure I don’t have anything useful to add to heavy conversations happening in every corner of social media. See, I click on those links, too. I shake my head and beg, “Lord, have mercy” because that is the best prayer I know how to pray.
This past week I’ve sat down to write about Wild Obedience at least ten times. It isn’t that my time in Dallas wasn’t worth writing about. Because it was. But pretty much from the time I arrived for the Declare Conference I’ve been a weepy hot mess of a girl. I cried with Heather in the car after eating true Tex Mex. I cried in the hallway with a sweet friend who asked just the right questions. I choked up while listening to Jess, Francie, Kat, Lisa Jo, and Kristen. And when it was my turn, I broke down in tears at least three more times in 40 minutes.
Since I came home, I’ve been swept up in the rush of normal every day water color pony life. We started school and ballet. I made breakfast, lunch, and dinner at least 100 times. I did dishes. I tried to get to the top of the laundry mountain and I wrote a few words with tears in the corner of my eyes.
“I’m overwhelmed I’m broken. I need Jesus. “ Jess Connolly said the first night of the conference. I tweeted that because what I really wanted to do was say, “Yeah, me too.” And then she got super personal when she said, “I didn’t want to be broken. I wanted to be an inspiring woman. I didn’t want to need Jesus.” And I thought maybe she had been looking at my Keynote slides on my talk about being “Fresh Out of Amazing.”
But she hadn’t. Because it seemed to be a theme when Francie got up and said, “God is aching for us to have honest moments with Him” and asked me right then and there to do just that. She wanted me to write down what I thought God wanted to reveal to me about who He was. I typed out:
My covering. My anchor. I just need to be His daughter.
There is so much in that one line I could go on for days. But what I need to tell you is this: When my dad died, this is what I felt like I lost in one phone call. I didn’t really have words for it until my pastor said it in a message recently about losing his own dad. But as soon as he identified it I could see the gaping hole. And when Francie somehow spoke about that same hole I knew it needed to be filled up with the only one who could see it and heal me. I breathed Jesus and He came running. He is all grace like that.
“Following Jesus is not about image management.” Lisa Jo Baker
My wild obedience looked like me standing in front of a few women last Saturday telling my story. My image management was gone in about 10 minutes when the tears started to flow. There I was needing Jesus in front of all those women. They got it though and in their sweet kindness dabbed tears of their own. When I finished I felt like I had run a marathon and in many ways I had. It felt like something had broke loose in my world and there was no way it was ever going to be the same.
So back to being home and trying to find words to match where my heart has been and where I’m headed next. This is what I know for sure. I’m going get out of bed each day. I’m going to sit with Jesus in the wee small hours of the morning. I’m going to drink my coffee and tell him I want him to “rescue me from me” (thank you Kristen). I’m going to thank Him for showing me obedience in the small can really be enough because He does beautiful work in broken places. I’m going to teach school to my girls, drive them all over town, feed them, try to be the wife my husband needs, and write a few words.
And yes, I’ll probably still be crying. Because that seems to be my new thing.